Honing Your Ability To Love
Recovering your self-identity
Introduction
I shared in my previous article Pope Benedict XVI’s statement that our identities are based on our relationships with others; Our abilities to love others and receive love from others define us.
A small extrapolation — Our abilities to love and receive love is pivotal in the quality of our existence in this world. How can we hone this ability to love? Also, how do we receive love in the best possible way?
Becoming a Loving Person
I would like to consider love as more of an inner disposition than an action. It is the inner disposition where every single cell of your body wills the good of the other, for the sake of the other (St. Thomas Aquinas).
When such an inner disposition is cultivated, all it takes is a gentle smile or a hug to establish a profound connection to the other. Even in the absence of the other, the love continues to linger within the soul comforting the other.
With the inner disposition of love, appropriate loving actions follow. However, the definition of ‘loving actions’ remain fairly arbitrary in the secular world.
In order to know what is good for other, one needs to first be aware of what is good for oneself. This can be done by acquiring knowledge — specifically, a robust moral scaffold.
There are several good ones but my favourite is that of the Catholic Church’s which is based on the bible, the immutable dignity of human life and the importance of every single individual.
After the moral scaffold is developed, one needs to acquire self-awareness. This often means pushing aside all narcissistic tendencies and allowing the honest voice from within to speak to oneself. The key is to be constantly in touch with one’s own light and darkness.
Spiritual tradition teaches us that within us are three voices — the flesh, the evil spirit and the Holy Spirit. Train your spiritual ears to be sensitive to these voices throughout the day. This will help you gain the self-awareness you need to become a truly loving person.
One day I was wondering if it was an attachment for me to find satisfaction in being with persons whom I discuss my soul and whom I love, or with those who I sees are great servants of God since it consoled me to be with them. The Lord told me that if a sick person who was in danger of death thought a doctor was bringing the cure, that sick person wouldn’t be virtuous for failing to thank and love the doctor; that if it hadn’t been for these persons what would I have done, that conversation with good persons is not harmful, but that my words should always be well-weighed and holy, and that I shouldn’t fail to converse with them; that doing so is beneficial rather than harmful. This consoled me greatly because sometimes, since conversing with them seemed to be to be an attachment, I didn’t want to talk to them at all. Always in all matters this Lord counselled me even to the point of telling me how I should behave with the weak and with certain persons. Never does he neglect me. (The Book of Her Life, St. Teresa of Avila).
Receiving Love the Right Way
Whilst reading the book of her life by St. Teresa of Avila, I was struck by how frequently she grappled with her attachment to others. St. Teresa, though a powerful mystic and very detached from worldly things, thoroughly enjoyed the company of those whom she could share the delights of her soul with and those whom she thought were doing good for the Kingdom of God.
Upon some consideration, I began to understand why this was so. Like Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI said, “I alone and not myself but only and with you am I myself.”.
Could it be that St. Teresa experienced her personal identity twofold? — one in her relationship with God and one in her relationship with man (especially those who were of her same ‘spiritual frequency’ and could understand the condition of her soul).
Truly, even I have experienced something of that nature. Sometimes, in the course of my prayer (i.e. contemplation of the humanity of Jesus), I get so distracted by my worldly preoccupations (i.e. my recollections of certain friendships) that I wish that I was all alone and had no deep bonds with any one in the world.
But what if God permitted this attachment to give us an identity and a community? What if this identity and community is critical for the further advancement of the spiritual life? What if community is precisely what is lacking in my life now — the thing that will make me who I am and that will allow me to best live out my dignity as a daughter of God?
In that case, community is good for me as community was good for St. Teresa.
Hence, the conclusion is simple — becoming a loving person also entails becoming comfortable with receiving the love of others.
Receiving the love of others comes with the risks of becoming attached, dependent, vainglorious and overly precious in one’s eyes. However, it also opens up the possibility of God’s love flowing to and through you to others. And it is this constant penetration of love that will help us best fulfil our identities.
Is it a risk we ought to take? — yes! But only through the reliance on God’s grace and being constantly aware of the possible perils. No matter how comfortable we become with others, let our words constantly be well-weighed and let virtue always be our central focus.
At the very moment that a person begins human existence which is a good, he/she is confronted by a sin-damaged world. Each of us enters into a situation in which relationality has been hurt. Consequently, each person is from the very start damaged in relationships and does not engage in them as he/she ought. Sin pursues the human being and he/she capitulates to it. (Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI)
Conclusion
From the very outset, we are born into a sin-damaged world. Each one of us present in ourselves a broken humanity (due to original sin). The only human being who was ever fully human was our Lord Jesus Christ.
Therefore, as we progress towards godliness, we purify our hearts and become more and more like Jesus. That is how we gain the capacity to love others as we ought to. This is how we instinctively know what is good for the other and give that which is good to the other.
But even then, the story is not complete. In order for our personhoods to be fully realised, there is a need to receive love from others. Only then can the circle be completed and our identities are fully realised.
To receive love in its purest form, the gift of self is necessary; A risk has to be taken. One needs to let one’s guard down and invite the other into the darkest recesses of one’s heart and allow the tenderness of the other’s love to heal that darkness. In this act of profound love, God is present. In that moment, your humanity is restored.
God Bless!
